{"id":475,"date":"2018-08-16T16:34:44","date_gmt":"2018-08-16T16:34:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/?p=475"},"modified":"2018-08-16T16:34:44","modified_gmt":"2018-08-16T16:34:44","slug":"story-of-the-month-first-steps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/?p=475","title":{"rendered":"Story of the Month: First Steps"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>She knew it would be unforgivable.\u00a0 <\/span>Her mother-in-law would certainly never forgive her.\u00a0 <\/span>Her sons would say they did, but deep down in their young hearts and in the corner of their hearts that would stay young and wounded until their dying days, they wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>How could they?\u00a0 <\/span>Her husband, too, would be unforgiving, though in his heart, and not all that deep down, he\u2019d be glad, if truth be told.\u00a0 <\/span>If, for once, he\u2019d allow truth to be told between them.\u00a0 <\/span>Told today within these four grand walls that must have heard so many other hard truths and inconvenient secrets.<\/span><\/p>\n

She was perched on the edge of a brocade chair in a manner her mother-in-law thought common.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou appear, my dear, ready to fly,\u201d she\u2019d once remarked.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cRather like a delinquent debtor waiting on tenterhooks in the bank manager\u2019s outer office.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

But no fault could be found in her schooled, erect posture.\u00a0 <\/span>Her back was always straight, her shoulders always squared, even if she tended to tilt her chin, and thus her face, slightly downward.\u00a0 <\/span>Some had deemed this a sign of modesty and innocence, others a mark of coquettishness and evasion, even falseness.\u00a0 <\/span>Her husband, in the beginning, had called it charming.\u00a0 <\/span>She would try, today, to keep her chin up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When she saw the large knob in the middle of the wide door turning, she deliberately lifted her face, as if she were looking at a distant horizon.\u00a0 <\/span>It felt unnatural.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

He entered quietly, turned slowly to close the door behind him.\u00a0 <\/span>He was impeccably groomed, as always, and his erect posture was every inch a match for her own.\u00a0 <\/span>They\u2019d both been well-trained.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou asked to see me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She stood up, smoothed her skirt over her slender hips.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u00a0 <\/span>Thank you for making time.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He inclined his head amicably.\u00a0 <\/span>He\u2019d been well-trained in that, too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy day is rather full, but, of course, if you need…\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe.\u00a0 <\/span>I think <\/span>we<\/span> need to—\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe do have something in common, after all, Charles.\u00a0 <\/span>Besides the boys.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, yes.\u00a0 <\/span>Duty.\u00a0 <\/span>Decorum.\u00a0 <\/span>Neither of which requires discussion, I\u2019d have thought.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cUnhappiness.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re both unhappy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She watched his expression shift briefly to anger, then pull back into neutrality.\u00a0 <\/span>She saw he would not let himself lose control.\u00a0 <\/span>He would not help her.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIs that all?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t that enough?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cEnough for what?\u00a0 <\/span>Another solitary trip?\u00a0 <\/span>One can be arranged, if that\u2019s what you want.\u00a0 <\/span>Some excuse can be made.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, not a trip.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cReally, is this necessary just now?\u00a0 <\/span>Can\u2019t it wait?\u00a0 <\/span>We\u2019re due at my sister\u2019s for the weekend, you remember.\u00a0 <\/span>Plenty of idle hours to fill there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not going to your sister\u2019s.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re expecting us.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m tired of doing what\u2019s expected.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s conversations like this that are tiresome.\u00a0 <\/span>Tiresome and pointless.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe can\u2019t go on like this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She saw his cheek twitch.\u00a0 <\/span>He was struggling to stay calm and to sound calm, even though, for a change, there was no one there to overhear them, no one writing down or recording their words, no one photographing the way they were standing, not far apart but not close either, like two boxers before a bout when the referee was outlining the rules of the fight.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe again?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI, then.\u00a0 <\/span>I can\u2019t go on any longer.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYes, you can.\u00a0 <\/span>And you will, just as I will.\u00a0 <\/span>Because \u2018like this\u2019 is what we have.\u00a0 <\/span>And you knew it from the start.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I didn\u2019t.\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t know it.\u00a0 <\/span>Did you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s of no consequence now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you knew right from the start, why did you let it start at all?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He raised one eyebrow and almost smiled.\u00a0 <\/span>Amazing how a smile could denote sorrow as well as it could show joy or amusement.\u00a0 <\/span>She knew, of course, that he had had to let it start.\u00a0 <\/span>With someone, at any rate.\u00a0 <\/span>She\u2019d been awed at being the one chosen.\u00a0 <\/span>She\u2019d also been, in private moments, of which there were few, a little frightened.\u00a0 <\/span>In the midst of an intimidating onrush of congratulations and questions, she had felt, at her core, a fraud.\u00a0 <\/span>But he\u2019d seemed sure and untroubled.\u00a0 <\/span>Or stoic.\u00a0 <\/span>She would let him be sure enough for both of them.\u00a0 <\/span>That had been her mother\u2019s advice when she voiced her trepidation one late night in front of the fire at the home she\u2019d soon be leaving.\u00a0 <\/span>Besides which, by then she was in love with him.\u00a0 <\/span>By then, she\u2019d begun to believe the fairy tale.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou do dramatize,\u201d he said at last.<\/span><\/p>\n

She knew a warning when she heard one.\u00a0 <\/span>Would he really dare bring all that up?\u00a0 <\/span>The times she hadn\u2019t wanted to go on living.\u00a0 <\/span>Did he think he could shut her down that way?\u00a0 <\/span>She took a deep breath.\u00a0 <\/span>She could give warnings, too. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou haven\u2019t forgotten her, have you?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, please.\u00a0 <\/span>Suspicion doesn\u2019t become you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s rather crowded in our marriage.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cInevitably so.\u00a0 <\/span>But not in the way you mean.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWill you swear it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t need to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI need you to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOr else?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Here it was then.\u00a0 <\/span>Her opportunity to announce that she was going to leave him.\u00a0 <\/span>Her invocation of a maelstrom on both their heads.\u00a0 <\/span>There would be a crush of attention greater than the one that had surrounded their lavish wedding five years ago.\u00a0 <\/span>A meaner crush.\u00a0 <\/span>She felt her resolve faltering.\u00a0 <\/span>Their two little sons.\u00a0 <\/span>Her mother-in-law.\u00a0 <\/span>The eyes of the world. \u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI only want us to try…\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He reached out his hand as if to touch her, but then let it drop to his side.\u00a0 <\/span>Was it her imagination, or did he look disappointed at the turn she\u2019d taken?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOf course,\u201d he said, turning to go.\u00a0 <\/span>\u201cWe must try to do better.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t say better at what.\u00a0 <\/span>And he didn\u2019t sound convinced, or even hopeful.\u00a0 <\/span>She didn\u2019t know it then, not for certain, but he hadn\u2019t, in fact, forgotten the woman who\u2019d come before her in his life, the woman who was waiting for him, whether she herself knew it or not.\u00a0 <\/span>And she didn\u2019t know, then, the paths her own longings would soon lead her down, the other arms in which she\u2019d find comfort and release.\u00a0 <\/span>Nor did she know then the number of things that would need forgiving and that would not receive it, at least not from either of them.\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWill we see you at dinner?\u201d he said at the door.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot tonight.\u00a0 <\/span>I have a function.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, that\u2019s right.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCharles?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHmm?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Forgetting, she lowered her head the smallest degree and gazed up at him in her usual manner.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis isn\u2019t over.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s not over yet.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

She knew it would be unforgivable.\u00a0 Her mother-in-law would certainly never forgive her.\u00a0 Her sons would say they did, but […]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"Layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["entry","author-noellesickelswp","post-475","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","category-allposts","category-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=475"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":479,"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/475\/revisions\/479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=475"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=475"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/noellesickels.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=475"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}